Memory Lane

Have you ever taken a look back to the road you've taken so far and found out things you've been missing as you chose the other option back then? Have you ever wondered how would it feels if you took that turn in the intersection? Have you ever wondered why are you wondering about that? You've been wondering because you didn't hope to be there instead of where you are, but mostly because you still don't know where are you going after this. 

It was an ordinary autumn day, slightly cloudy but not too chilly. I sat on the bench at the porch, have been wanting to read a book since I arrived home several days ago, and enjoying the apple blossoms-spiced breeze at the same time. The kind of peace I have been wanting since I took a leave from my job, just so I could go home to my hometown. I was going to attend my friend's wedding.

Friend. A gorgeous word in my book. Plus, he is a Friend with the capital F.

We got close during a project back then in college. You know the deal: we met, talked, texted continuously, went out once or twice. Then he said he needed some space, and I went upset since he was the one who started everything so why did he make it sound like I was the one who start it all? My overly enormous pride went and made me swear to never talk to him again. He tried several times to patch things up, but I was being such a proud ice queen who refused to melt even a bit. I replied his messages sourly, talked to him only as needed, and just curtly nodded every time I meet him.

Time passed and the next thing I knew he was going out with one of the juniors. Not that I mind, really.

Then we graduated and he got a serious corporate job in our hometown while I went abroad to work in an international organization. I met new people and traveled around the globe when he was advancing through some promotions and settled down with her. I remembered the day I saw his fiancee uploaded the picture of the engagement ring in her finger on Twitter. I remembered the soft tingles in my belly when I clicked open the picture: a pretty princess cut diamond.

Now here I am, sitting at the porch, thinking how would I feel tomorrow at the ceremony. It was a bizarre feeling: it's not like I want to take the place of the bride, but what if I reacted differently back then? Not that I wanted to get married now, but what if I said yes when he asked me out again after the awkward "break"? How different would my life be? Would I still go travel the world for the last two years when he waited for me? Or would we still part anyway when I decided to go abroad and he was home bound? Then would he still hook up with this fiancee and get married like this? Would he meet someone else?

The what ifs, the thing that surfaced after you take a trip down the memory lane, rethink about your choices in every intersection of your life. The what ifs, the thing that could make you doubt yourself as you realized you still have no idea where were you going after leaving the other option.

The Chase and the Solstice

Her: Don't you ever feel tired?

Him: Tired? Of what?

Her: Of this. Of us.

Him: Us? You know there is no us. there has never been us.

Her: Well pardon my lack of vocabulary to describe this weird relatiendship we're having.

Him: I get your point. So you're tired?

Her: Right now? Yes. I can get the fact that there is no us. But at one point, everything is just overwhelming. I overwhelmed by the fact I love to talk to you so much, how we always find interesting topics to talk about and how we could be up all night just to talk about future we don't know to be existed yet. I overwhelmed by how I keep reminded of you after we meet, how every little thing I saw remind me of you or our jokes. Even worse, usually I remember both. I overwhelmed by the fact every single time I'm going to text you or call you or IM you, most likely you'd do that first. It's like we're meant to be, but I know we're not.

Him: I know. I get it. I always feel that way too. but you know why it won't work out.

Her: I know that you love the chase. The thing is, I do too. That's why this would be a never-ending chase. We chase each other, we play, we talk, we flirt. But when we catch one another, there would be no fun left.


Him: You know the solstice?

Her: There you go again. Giving out random facts to distract me, no, us from the main problem.

Him: No, it has something to do with us, if not the answer for this problem.Well, a solstice is an astronomical event when the Sun reaches its highest or lowest excursion. In many cultures marks either the beginning or the midpoint of winter and summer.

Her: And why should I care?

Him: In my opinion, every friendship has a solstice, if not solstices. That was the point where we realize we could be more than friend or just stay where we were. Our relatiendship, to use your word, has been through several solstices, both the highs and the lows. The winters and summers. I know I've been there when you got dumped, and vice versa. I know you always listen to my endless gibberish about my crushes and girlfriends. We've been there for each other all the time. Yet here we are, closer than friend with no relationship status.

Her: I know we have tried to be more than friends once or twice.

Him: It's about five times-ish actually, hahaha.

Her: Alright, and I know those don't work out. Once you even end up dating my cousin.

Him: Oh my, apologize for that one, really.

Her: Yeah, whatever.

Him: Anyway, the point is not every solstice mark the start of something new, a new stage. Sometimes it's just a mark of the beginning of a new season, which was really the same season we have experienced before.

Her: But as the season change, there are visible changes, you know. Flowers bloom. Snow falls.

Him: And there are changes in our solstices. We graduated, once from high school and once from college. Your first boyfriend dumped you. My ex cheated on me.

Her: You dated my cousin.

Him: Oh well, that too. You see how every point of our solstices are marked by how we stayed for each other, yet after it passed we decided to follow our own path. It's your path and my path, not our path.

Her: I guess the point is that you don't love me.

Him: That's not true. Of course I do love you. After all, any kind of friendship start out of love. It depends on us where we would lead our love.