She finally agreed to go out with him. It was only a harmless, gelato-and-coffee date anyway. Nothing bad will happen. She tied her black boots and sighed.
She had been trying so hard not
to attach herself to anyone. To protect herself from other heartaches. Not even
to her closest friends. There was always a part of her that she keeps from each
person. She had enough heartache for a lifetime.
But it was hard to do to him. The
first time they met a couple weeks ago, the bizarre way how it turned out they
live somehow closely intertwined yet they never met until then had made her
interested to talk to him. How he used to go to the same basketball club as her
brother, how she used to work part-time in an ice cream parlour which his
sister often visits. There was something in his eyes that made her felt
comfortable to talk to him the whole night, which continue on when he walked
her home.
Her boots tied, she stood up and
took her messenger bag.
127 days before…
It was an unusually warm night
and the stars were shining bright. The crust of the pizza they had was
perfectly crispy, there was no clump in their milkshake, and the splashing
sound from the fountain was not enough to distract him from the spark in her
eyes.
She smiled from ear to ear and he
tried his best not to pull her into his arms, never letting her go. She has
been laughing a lot today, cracking jokes when they walked on the pier and all
the way to the park where they decided to eat their dinner. He watched her took
a sip of her milkshake, gnawing on her straw as she drank.
She was an adorable girl, cute as
a button. It was almost impossible to resist her girl-next-door charm he has
heard some guys at school talking about. But back then, he did not know her,
not yet. Not until he met her about two months ago, and they had been going out
ever since. He never knew the reason why she kept rejecting his invitation to
dinner or movie or even only a cup of coffee for weeks, but he was glad when
she finally agreed to have a gelato with him.
He smiled at her as she finished
her story about a surprisingly eventful afternoon in her lab, when one of her
classmate mixed the wrong solutions and caused several beaker glasses and tubes
to explode. She laughed as she described how the professor kept telling
everyone to be calm when everyone WAS calm already and it was him who was
pacing in panic around the lab.
And he just cannot resist the
urge to pull her closer. His face moved closer to hers while she was still
laughing.
Their forehead met. She stopped
laughing, her breath smelled like strawberry milkshake.
It was, indeed, a magical night
for both of them.
107 days before…
People said that if it was too
good to be true, then it probably is.
She realized she had been too
attached to him. She knew she must not attach herself to anyone, she cannot
take another heartache. She had realized that she had to back off, for her own
sake and, in a way, his sake as well. But how could she? Everything was so very
perfect. Everything was dreamy; it almost gave her fairy tale-esque buzz every
time she met him. Those smiles she got every time she woke up in the morning
after they went out.
And here came the baggage.
He had got a job in another
continent and he will leave as soon as he finished his final project.
She had her own plan to pursue
another degree.
She knew she would have a hard
time, being the one who stayed. She would be the one who saw pieces of memories
with him. On the bench near the pier, on the coffee shop in the library, on the
high stools in the gelato bar by the park. It hurt and it would always hurt,
even just a bit.
She knew they will not work out. She
was lousy at long distance relationship. Yet she knew she do not want to lose
him. And all they had.
She knew she cannot win the
fight. But she refused to believe it.
Being such an overachiever almost
her whole life, she believed she always wins.
She had not realized that the
worst lie is the one you tell yourself.
89 days before…
He had fuzzy past she cannot
decipher.
She had the difficulty to express
her feeling.
The uncertainty kept him excited.
The vague future kept her unsure.
85 days before…
She cannot take it anymore. It
will not work out. They will not work
out, ever. She thought it will be better to just end everything now, before she
got more and more attached. Attachment always leads to heartache, well, in her
case anyway.
But she cannot lie to herself.
She liked him: she liked his company, she liked his laugh, she liked how he
smelled like soap and a dash of cinnamon. She did not have to put up her guard
when she was with him, she could tell him everything.
It made her feel less lonely.
And he was going to leave the
city in three months anyway. For good. Although she never know for whose good.
The realization of having to let
him go and the worry of being lonely kept conflicting in her heart and mind.
Naturally, she kept the battle to herself.
She did realize that emotional
battle tends to give horrible aftermath, but she never realized how until it
was too late.
78 days before…
Her emotional outbursts were
getting more and more often, each more severe than before.
He liked her a lot, but he was at
the edge.
He was not sure anymore.
But then again, he was not sure
of oh-so-many things.
53 days before…
She smiled at him as they walked
on the bridge. His hand was holding hers and he was telling her about his
latest project at school. She liked it when he talked about his school works:
he was very passionate about his study and she liked the vibe. The day was
perfect and she felt all the fairy tale-esque buzz again.
He felt her hand fidgeting in his
and he stroked his thumb on the back of her hand. He really liked how she
smiled more often now. It was tiring to keep up with her tantrums and
outbursts, especially because he never knew what they were all about. When it
was nice to see her all bubbly like this, he cannot help but wonder when this
cheery laugh will stop and the waterworks started again.
She began to think that maybe,
maybe they can make it work. Maybe she should tell him what all the outbursts
were about. Maybe she was willing to fight for it. For them. But would he?
30 days before…
It was her worst outburst. And he
did not have time to deal with it. He had to finish his final project which
will due in 15 days.
She finally told him about
everything. About what she wants,
about what she thought he also wants.
What she never knew was he did
not even know what he wants. He was not sure of what he wants.
But then again, he was not sure
of oh-so-many things.
12 days before…
She began to lose her faith on
them. On what they had and could have.
She fed up. She did not want to
see him anymore.
5 days before…
He missed her. He was going to
leave in less than a week. Will he ever see her again?
3 days before…
She contemplated whether she
should meet him one last time. Everybody needs closure.
1 day before…
It’s that time of the year again, she smiled as she passed hurrying
crowds who were doing their last minute shopping. It was hard not to be happy
with almost everyone was smiling from ear to ear, little children wore little
cute hats and antlers, and the smell of hot cocoa was steaming from the churros
stall nearby. It was hard not to be happy with all the cheer and merriment in
the atmosphere.
She stared at the glittering
fairy lights all around the plaza in front of the city hall across the road as
she waited for the green pedestrian light, when someone patted her shoulder.
“Want to have gelato? We can eat
them when we’re watching the lights,” he said with his signature smile, a
woollen hat stood jauntily on his head.
“Hey,” she smiled brightly; she
always did that every time she saw him. He pulled her into a hug, and she let
go rather hasty, “I’m a bit full but if you don’t mind sharing I won’t say no
to a pistachio gelato.”
The pedestrian light went green,
and they crossed the street. She waited when he queued for the gelato, humming
to the tune from the speakers at the plaza.
Look how far we’ve come, she thought as she glanced at him,
ordering their pistachio gelato, how am I
supposed to know this, the first time we met?
She sighed.
“Shall we find somewhere to sit?”
he said, a big pistachio gelato on his right hand and casually put his left
hand on her shoulder. They sat on one of the benches, right below the line of
fairy lights.
“I’m glad we can meet before I
go,” he said and smiled at her.
She kept quiet, smiled at him half-heartedly.
“You seem quiet today, is
something wrong?” he asked again, offering her the gelato.
She took the gelato, took a bite,
and answered, “no, I’m good.”
He glanced at her and chuckled,
“oh come on. You know you can’t ever lie to me. Seriously, what’s wrong?”
She sighed again, and looked
rather tired.
“It’s just…,” she said after some
time, “I’m so scared of being alone.”
“You’re not alone, you got
me.”
No, you’re leaving tomorrow, she thought before answering, “that’s
the thing, you know. I am way too attached to you. I cannot distinguish need
and want, love and lust, admiration and obsession anymore. It’s not healthy, at
least for me. I can’t rely on you forever.”
He licked the gelato quite some
time, “why not?”
“Because you got her. Them.
Everyone,” her voice weakened in
every syllable and whispered the last bit, “I only have you. And at some point, you will forget me.”
He sighed. It’s the same old
topic all over again, one of her outbursts topic, and he was getting tired of
it.
“We both know it’s not working
out. It won’t work out. You were the one who said it first, anyway,” he said as
he took her trembling hand. He heard stifled sob yet he did not react. A guitar
tune was playing from the speakers.
“What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today…”
Her sobs got more audible,
although it was quite covered by the song.
And the perfect song too, great, he thought as he put his face in
his palms.
He sighed and embraced her.
“You know I will always care
about you. There will always be a part of you with me. But… But we just want
different things now. What if we think about what we really want first, so when
we met again, sometime, we will be better for each other?”
She kept quiet.
“I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight”
“I thought I am different,” she
said, “I thought you really lo…” her voice tailed away.
He put his face in his palms once
more, loss of words. He did, though. Once. Now he was not sure.
She had stopped crying and she
stroked the back of his hand.
At least she did have him. She
did have him back then; she did have him at this exact moment.
“I could’ve treated you better
Better than this”
“It’s getting late, let’s go
home,” he said as he stood up and offered his hand to her. After all, his
flight was quite early.
She kept her head down for a
moment, then she took his hand and stood up beside him.
“For what it’s worth, I’m
grateful that we did have what we had once,” she said at last, with glassy eyes
and a smile. He smiled rather unconvincingly, wiped a teardrop on her cheek
with his thumb, and hugged her before kissed the top of her head.
Then they moved slowly in circle
as they embraced through the song.
“So, for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lie here with you”
(What If You – Joshua Radin)
