The most cliché part of anyone's life where most likely they will feel uneasy. Some would feel insecure as they are going to face the future - the cruel, real world. Some would feel excited as they will be opening a new chapter of their life. Few others, like me, are anxious because they have something left to say...... but still not sure whether now is the right time to express it.
The thing I wanted to tell him is simple.
"I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt your feeling".
Perhaps, if I have the courage, I would also add,
"I miss you".
......
It was a breezy afternoon on the beginning of our summer vacation in freshmen year, we sat at the outdoor area of the coffee shop. He told me he want to catch the last breeze of summer, and I decided to not budge how the breeze is too dry and hurt my skin. I remember he began to talk about the girl he has a crush on. I remember I tried to listen while sipping my iced latte. I remember he was going on and on about what do the best things he could do to make her notice him. How she had known him close enough, but he didn't think she knew how he felt. And, ah... I remember, I remember how I was annoyed at the fact that he ask my opinion towards the girl I even never meet. At least, that's what I knew.
I was bored, thus I decided to tell him about the guy from Law major who has texted me a lot back then. While I never actually has interest in this guy, I just want him to realize how uncomfortable it is to be me, listening about the girl I never meet being the crush object of the guy I was closest to. I remember he tried to look interested in my story, but there is a weird light dancing in his eyes as I keep going on. When he walked me back home, I remember our parting was sort of awkward.
I remember I was having difficulty in meeting him on the next week.
I remember asking one of our friends about him, and learn the reason he was being all weird is because it turned out I knew the girl he has crush on. It turned out I knew her too well.
......
I have been trying to reach him since that day. It's been three years but he still manages his distance. I have been texting him the apologize, although he never reply. And today, I have been thinking the whole semester whether I need to apologize to him directly. On our last day as the student here.
I see him there, together with his friends, cheerfully chatting with the diploma on his hand. I'm walking to him when the loudspeaker blasting the song, and I stop abruptly.
"But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me."
I lift my head and look at his face. I see that he is also looking at me. And he smiles. The first sincere smile he gives me after all these years.
By then, I am sure he knew how sorry I am and that he actually has forgiven me. Why he hasn't talked to me all this time, suddenly doesn't feel important anymore. We cannot go back to our freshmen year to patch things up anyway. Then I realize there are things better left alone, since it could be opening old wound if you keep pricking on. And there are things better left unspoken, unless you are fully ready to face the consequences. What I need is him to realize that I would always be his friend, his best friend if he wanted to, no matter where the road lead us after today. And I know he realized that, today.
"And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now."
The Weepies - Can't Go Back Now
