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...

"I wanted to, you know," she smiled weakly. "I wanted to wait for you. I wanted to because I knew I need to. I need to see where we will end up, where our path will finally meet a dead end. Will the dead end be a boring brick wall, will it be a small, tiny wooden gate covered with ivy and wild roses leading to another unpacked mystery. It's terrifying alright, but I wanted to. I wanted to wait and I wanted to do it for you. I wanted to do it with you."

She looked to the right. The fiberglass window showed her smile, which did not reach her eyes.

"And I know that if I want to wait, I have to have no expectation. Otherwise, it's not waiting. It's denying the truth while living the lie I want to be true. But then, you're not there. I mean, yeah, you're there some time before you go and make me questioning whether I should still wait. You go and make me wonder if I'm just making a fool of myself. It's tiring. It's tiring and I think...," her voice quivered a bit, "I think I'm done."

She hung up.

But she knew those words cannot even convince herself.

Constellation of the Clichés

You know how people say if something is too good to be true then maybe it is?

Falling for the sound of your smile and the twinkles in your eyes over and over again.

Dancing under the fairy lights in the middle of the night.

Holding hands at the top of the hill on windy night.

Embracing under the rain while waiting for the pedestrian green lights.

Stolen kisses during night walks along the harbor.

Passing by your lecture room on particular time just because I know your class will be dismissed.

Breakfast in bed after you spent the night crying.

Cuddles. Lots of cuddles, anywhere, anytime.


I know we are such a cliché. We are constellation of the clichés.

You would not mind if I add another one cliché, would you?

So I smile, put the rose near your headstone, and wish with all my might that you did realize how much I am in love with you.

Karma

Hi! The name's Karma, but usually I was called K. So my job, in this world, is to make sure everyone receive what they deserve. Not exactly a walk in the park really, considering how complex the relationship between each and one human being.

Right now, I am floating above a young woman - a beautiful one, with elaborate flaming red curls and cute freckles across her face. She is on her way to meet her bestfriend, the one she has not seen for seven years. They are sort of drifting apart on their junior year in college. Now he has just came back from his semester abroad for his postgraduates, and her book tour has conveniently done at the same day he reached their hometown so they decided to meet.

To catch up on life.

To resolve misunderstanding.

To rekindle old love.

...Or at least that is what she is thinking right now. But my duty is to give her what she deserves.

Which is no fun.

You see, she thought she has some kind of romantic feeling towards him. Also, she thought he might be feeling the same way. The thing is, she was the one who start the misunderstanding back then, seven years ago. She was placing him as her safety net in almost all along her romantic relationship with others. So her karma is - not to spoil anything - to hear him telling the dreamy, fairy tale-esque story on how he met his fiancee. Must be a big slap on her face.


----

I was on my way to meet my best friend since first day of college, when the freshmen were assembled in the sport hall for the opening of orientation week. He was standing right beside me and introduced himself. His bubbly, carefree personality quickly caught me, and the next thing I knew we were eating lunch together at the cafeteria almost everyday. We chatted, laughed, and studied together. It felt so great to have someone who had your back, no matter what.

I had to admit that the reason of we grew apart was my selfishness. As I knew he always had my back, I began to take him for granted. He was kind, mature, and reliable; I was foolish, careless, and vain. Not a good combination. So one day in our sophomore year, I was telling him how I fell for his frat brother and whether he was willing to set me up with him. Which was not the first time I asked him for that kind of help. He just could not take it anymore, he went and we drifted apart. Each day, every single day since then, I cannot stop thinking how foolish I was not to realize his feeling to me and mine to him.

And there he was. Already sit on a table for two in a small tea shop on the corner of the street. And there it was. The gleam. A gleam in his eyes every time I meet him. The gleam of love and wonder, as in the eyes of new dads when they hold their babies for the first time. Then he smiled at me.


And I came to a halt. There was something different. There was something missing.

The butterfly.

The tingling, warm, light feeling in my stomach every time I meet him.

It's not there anymore. Not that I wasn't glad to see him, especially after all this time. But still, it was so bizarre not to feel that way anymore.

"Hi, how's life?" he stood up, pulled me into quick embrace, pulled my chair out, and smiled as he sat again.

"Same old, how's yours?" I asked, a bit unsure of how should I deal with the lost butterfly.

He just raised his left eyebrows as if to say "well, you know", and smiled.

Then he began to ask me about my book tour, which I answered less enthusiastic than usual as I was still wondering about the lost butterfly.

Naturally, he noticed the change.

"Are you alright?"

I shook my head a bit and tried to give him a convincing smile, "yeah, I'm good. How about you? Tell me everything new!" I tried to push the case of lost butterfly away. I missed him, after all, we had not had proper conversation for seven years.

"Ah, I won't bore you with the tale of my courses and essays and thesis and whatever," he chuckled and hesitated a bit, "but I have a news I want to tell you."

He smiled.

Still, nothing. Which was weird. It was the smile that had been haunting my dreams these past few weeks as the anticipation of meeting him was growing.

He fidgeted a little and took an unusually deep breath.

"So, what I have been wanting to tell you is that," he looked into my eyes, "I am engaged!"

Oh.

What.

That was unexpected.

Another unexpected thing was, I felt nothing. I mean, I was happy for him, but I did not feel sad or whatever. And I was genuinely happy.

So I just smiled and told him, with all the sincerity,

"That's marvelous! When is the day?"

----

I think that is the lesson for her. I have seen her mind and I know that what the girl needs is a lesson. I know karma is also a lesson, but sometimes a slap on the face is not necessarily the component for every lesson. The necessary component is realization. And I think perhaps this time, the karma will not be a slap on the face.



Because sometimes, you are not in love. You are only enjoying company of the others, and feel sort of afraid to see them gone. You don't want to be alone, therefore you keep others for company. But it does not necessarily equal to romantic companionship. Hence, that is the lesson, I guess. Not the one I expect to teach her, but even Karma does not know everything.

I do

Do you remember what you asked me last year, exactly today?

We were on the top of the hill, overseeing the lights from cityscape. It was near midnight and the wind was blowing ruthlessly. 

Today is a clear day, the sky is brightly blue. The smell of hyacinths, your favorite, is thick in the air.

Do you remember what you asked me last year, exactly today?

You were drunk so I just laughed at your question airily. Without any further thoughts.

I never thought this day will ever come. I mean, I know this will happen eventually, but not in the near future. Not now.


Do you remember what you asked me last year, exactly today?

I laughed because I never thought it was a real question. I thought you were just too drunk.

Oh there you go. Your face is radiant, smiling serenely. The sun shines warmly from behind the pillar, just near where you stand.

Do you remember what you asked me last year, exactly today?

You were, no, are my best friend. You will always be my best friend. 

Maybe I have taken you for granted. You are always there. No matter when, where, or why, you are always there for me.

Maybe I never know what I have. Or how much you mean to me.

I never even try to talk to you about that night. Not even once.

Now I see you, standing by that shiny pillar while she is walking, no, gliding towards you.

She has always been the pretty one in group, where I am just the dorkish, over-achieving one.

She is smiling at me, at our group who sit in the same row. There is a bouquet with lots of hyacinths in her hand, like a bunch of purple and blue brushes falling from her clasp.

Do you remember what you asked me last year, exactly today?

What if I was being honest?

What if I did answer?

What if I said....


She smiles as the minister ask her the question, right before she answers.

"I do." 

The Word is "Busy"

Don’t say you are busy.

Busy is a selfish word.

Saying you’re busy, once twice thrice, to people around you implies that you don’t have time for them.

But you do have time.

Everyone always have time, if they make it.

If they value the person or thing, they will make time for it.

Don’t say you are busy.

Busy is an arrogant word.

Saying you’re busy, once twice thrice, to people around you implies that everyone else is not busy.

But they do have something to do.

Everyone have something they have to do, don’t belittle them.

It is only a matter of priority and not making a big fuss.

Don’t say you are busy.

Busy is a lazy word.

Saying you’re busy, once twice thrice, to people around you implies that you are once avoiding doing something you have to do.

But you should not burden your laziness to them.

Everyone have their own business.

Stop burdening them with your laziness.

She was the kind of girl who tries to be there for everyone, for she knows how hard it was to be alone.

She was the kind of girl who greets everyone with Cheshire Cat smile, for she knows how a simple gesture can brighten one's day.

She was the kind of girl who takes care for everyone, for she knows everybody need someone somehow.

But she was broken inside.

So there she went, attaching herself from one person to another one, hoping for solace. Hoping for mending.

While she knew, deep down inside, she would not get better this way.

While she knew, she was leading herself from one heartache to another one.

While she knew, there was someone, out there, waiting for her if only she's willing to reach.

Want, Need, Love

Do you know the feeling when you don't really know what you want, but you feel pretty sure about what you don't want?

Do you know how you feel like you want something, or someone, but you're not sure if you really need that?

It was one of our awkward meetings, if not the most awkward one.

He was seems unable to stop straightening his jacket, which was already flawless. Well, it was a bit wrinkled, but who cares. He looked so gorgeous that even our server was still so obviously staring at him.

He smiled awkwardly at me, which I replied with the same amount of awkwardness. It was, probably, most likely, our last meeting in this small hometown of ours. He was going to catch the plane to his sister's place in the big city, miles away. He got the job opportunity he had been dreaming of. I knew because I was the one he used to talk to about his dreams. His fears. His everything, really.

Oh well.

These past few years had been a roller coaster ride, since I met him in my family ranch during the hunting season. It was so curious that we had never met each other until then, considering we both grew up in the same town, the same small town where everybody knows everybody. But there we met for the first time, and where after the first conversation near the ranch border we became inseparable. He was so easy to talk to and I was lonely. You would be lonely if you grew up all alone as the only child in a ranch quite isolated from the town center.

The roller coaster started when we began to date. Oh well, I was not even sure if we were dating. We were going out for dinner or movie or lunch or a stroll in the small forest near the ranch a million times, and we were not seeing other people. Not romantically. We held hands, sometimes, most of the time. We hugged. We kissed. But we never label our relationship. We never even call this a relationship.

See, the confusion led to roller coaster ride of emotion, instability, random fights, and all those mess. We both agreed that we were tired of them, but we stayed with one another nevertheless. He told me he loved me once,  but I said I was not even sure what love mean, if I even believe it. But he stayed. He stayed despite all the mess, he kept coming back.

It made me realize that maybe I should not let him go. I began to think that I want him. What I was not sure is if I need him, and vice versa. But I thought I should not let him go because I knew one thing for sure: I don't want him to leave me.

"So, how's everything at ranch?"

I startled a bit, "All's good. The chickens cluck, the cows moo."

"And how about you? How's the preparation going?" I asked him back, not sure if I really wanted to hear details about him going away.

"Yeah, everything's packed, I also have sent some stuffs ahead before my flight. Ready to go," he flashed his signature smile, which made my stomach dumbly lurched.

Our server brought our food, while giving him the eye. He looked at me with amused expression so I rolled my eyes. I just had to.

Which made him laugh. Oh that laugh I'll miss.

"...I think I love you," I blurted out while he was still laughing.

His laugh stopped midway and his gaze fixed at me.

"Oh come on. You don't even know what love mean. You don't even believe in love," he said.

I paused. Oh well, if I never say it I know I'll regret it.

"That was the thing. I don't know what love is like, but with you I never know what was I'm feeling. If I don't know what I feel and I don't know what love feel like, then maybe, maybe, what I feel to you is love?"