I Got Obsessively Curious about a Girl I Never Know

I’ve never met her. Nor she me.

But dear God, have I been obsessed with her.

I know she has several things I long for. Stability in life. Someone to depend to. Peaceful life, it seems.

I know she has rather similar qualities than me. Love for knowledge. For culture.

Things I know only from observation from afar. Things I know only from my assumptions. Things that may or may not be correct about.

Considering how "much" I feel like I know about her, I began to judge her. I began to check out her social media daily, if not every few hours. 

I began to form my opinion about her, how ungrateful she is for her peaceful, stable, loving life. How her chirps about life seems to be attention and validation seeking, rather insensitive at times. How she seems so immature, but if so, how can she get things I can't get?

Don't worry, even I know how silly I sound.

The problem is I can't stop being curious about her. I want to know every little things, every little details of her life. The ones she shares wholeheartedly with the whole world, with little hesitancy.

The problem is, again, it begins to take toll on me. I begins to feel wicked, being jealous to someone who has done perfectly nothing to me. I begins to feel a bit arrogant too, considering how I feel that she has no better achievement than me. 

But how does she get what I want, while I don't? What did I do wrong? What did she do that I didn't?

How does it feel to be loved that way?

That fast yet so secure

That easy yet so warming

That sweet yet not overwhelming

What do I have to do to be loved that way?

What did I do wrong that I can’t be loved that way?

What did I do to you not to deserve to be loved that way?

Would you?

I remember the way you remembered that one specific girl you used to date. You told me you lost a good friend back then, just because you force yourself into a relationship you were not sure with. That girl was absolutely head over heels for you, I knew it. I knew that's how most girls react to you. 

Would you know, though? Maybe not, you are too aloof to pay attention.

No, I know you'd say, you are attentive and caring and warm person. Yeah, honey, you are. You really are, towards that one you have romantic feeling to.

But friends? Nope, they are expendable, interchangeable, replaceable for you.

I wonder the way you talk about me these days. Especially to her, that one girl who is the constant reminder of how I will never be good enough to get what I want.

Would you say that you lost a good friend?

Would you say that you miss the way we talk, the time we spend doing whatever, the normal friendship we used to have?

I kind of know the answer, but still, I'd like to hear it from you.

Would you say you wish we didn't cross the line?

Would you say you wish you reacted differently back then, in the morning after?

Would you do it all over again, without telling me how you met her over our morning coffee?

Would you?

30 Things I Learned before I Turned 30

1. Self love is the key. You don't need approval or recognition from others  to be happy.

2. With #1 being said, you can project any image you want to the world but people will still have their own perception of you. No matter what you do, most likely they'd stick with their own opinion. You can care about what people think about you, but remember this so you'll remember that you do not need to care so much.

3. You are enough. You are always good enough. You will always be enough for things and people who matter. You don't always need to achieve something to be considered good enough.

4. Sometimes, we are the toxic person in other people’s story. Quit playing victim. Sometimes, you are doing the same "bad" thing. And no, honey, the world doesn’t revolve around you. It’s not always about you.

5. You can't make people do what you want them to do. They have their own interest, which is not always aligned with yours and cannot be forced to align with yours either.

6. Don't ever put anyone on the pedestal. Everyone you know are human-beings. They are bound to be imperfect. Most likely, they will disappoint you at one point of your life.

7. If you have to fight for something in your life, make sure you are not fighting by yourself. May it be a relationship, office policy, or, you know, climate change and world peace, having allies makes a huge difference.

8. When you're angry and you have this huge, emotional urge to confront the person causing you the pain, take a deep breath, drink a glass of water, and wait for two or three days. If by then you still want to confront them, go ahead.

9. Get yourself a hobby (or two or three) that you can get into until your old age. It will save you, and your loved ones, in the future.

10. People do have pattern in their behaviour. If they did it once, most likely they will do it again sooner or later.

11. There is never a good time for a bad news. However, if you say it sooner, people will have more time to heal. And sometimes, that is the best you can do.

12. Interacting with and taking care of your aging parents require another level of patience. Including being patient with yourself. Take all the time you need to adjust, take all the time you need for yourself. It's okay, it doesn't mean you're a bad person if you feel that it's hard. You are (most likely) doing your best, anyway.

13. Some barriers are meant to be there. If you cannot destroy it, it is okay. It doesn't mean you're not good enough. Maybe you're just meant to fit better in another place.

14. Just because you were being irresponsible and made mistake once or twice, does not mean that you are a bad person. You may make a bad choice, but it does not instantly erase all the good in you. You are, after all, only a human.

15. It's okay to have boundaries with people you care about, especially when you tend to care too much and they don't really reciprocate. As they said in the flight safety video: secure your own mask first before assisting others.

16. Learn how to enjoy your own company. It will save yourself lots of energy, time, and even money.

17. While you can (or maybe should) not really pay too much attention to what other said about you, what you have to keep in mind is you still need to take responsibility of your action. Yes, people might be talking about the wrong thing, but you might be the one who started it. Reflect before you react.

18. You can chase for anything, for anyone you like. The catch is: they might not meet you halfway. Unless you're totally, honestly okay with that fact, don't ever chase anything or anyone.

19. Newsflash: everyone is replaceable. The good thing is, it means that person you’ve broke your heart for? Yes, they’re replaceable. You’ll meet someone else, don’t worry. The bad thing? Well, you ARE also replaceable. No, you are not that special. With that in mind, you can reduce your ego a tad bit.

20. Pick your poison. It works in greening your lifestyle, it works in settling your life down. You may not be able to cut down all the bad things related to your lifestyle, but you can reduce.

21. Being able to differ self-love and selfish is important. Re-consider if it's still self-love if your action hurts people closest to you.

22. Going to therapy is a healthy habit and most people should really consider it, if they have the budget. IT IS MONEY WELL-SPENT.

23. You don't have to make a family out of everything. Most likely, you SHOULD NOT make a family out of everything. Attachment and drama are not really the best combo.

24. The worst person to lie to is yourself.

25. You cannot fight every battle, choose wisely. Don't fight the battle you knew you'd lose from the start.

26. You don't have to fix anyone. In most, if not all, case, you should not even try to. It's their job, not yours.

27. At one point, you need to stop blaming people for every misfortune you have in your life. When you reflect, you'd realize that sometimes it is your own, conscious act that cause the misfortune. Deal with it.

28. Even when you really want to give out a 10, it's still okay to give 7. It's still good enough and much better than giving out nothing at all.

29. Sometimes it helps to focus on the good side of people.

30. Overthinking kills your happiness. Take a deep breath and let go, you're doing your best anyway. Live in the now.

November is for the heartbreak. 

December is for the river of tears. 

January is for the pseudo new beginning. 

February is for the temporary pain relief. 

March is for the wake up call. 

April is for the new distraction.

May is for the answer to the conundrum. 

June is for the adapting phase. 

July is for the rehabilitation. 

August is for the time spent together. 

September is for the silly mistakes.

October is for the parting of ways.

The In-Betweens

I am always your in-between, am I not?

It was two years ago. You’ve been having problems with her, the usual. I was visiting your town. We met and things sort of went back to the way they were the year before. When you used to take me to a nighttime stroll along the harbour, when we once met an old man who said we made such a cute couple.

Even though we were not. We never were. 

But then, after I thought things were going right between us, she was back in the picture. Naturally, you went back to her. Travel a couple countries together, then you were back with her, stronger than ever.

Then last year. I had a problem with him when you visited my town. You were not with her anymore, sort of. We met and instantly hit it off again.  Like the year before. 

That was just what we do, become each other’s instant relief.

We became too reliance to each other throughout the months. We made each other happy, true, but that was our other thing.

We always work out so great. Until one time, until our expired date. Until you find another happiness or face a problem. Sure enough, I took a wrong step and things went south.

But now I realize. I am always your in-between, am I not? No matter how much I try, how much we want it to happen, we are never meant to be permanent.

The Living List of Things

Apple pie in brown bag. Sufjan Stevens. Jokes (but not really) about being stuck on each other. Midori. I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons. Napier beachfront. Mort from Madagascar. Polaroids. Red uniqlo jackets. That specific origin cacao nibs. Lamb kecap. Jogja on motorbike. Cacti. That planetarium we never get to visit together. Random walks to the ice cream store. Milktea sharing, mostly jasmine. Aotea square. Marie regal biscuits. The smell of incense. Anything French. December. Blueberry cheesecake. Dimsum for dinner. Jenga and monopoly nights. Talking with your brothers. Going to traditional market with your mom, hands being held. Blue penguins of Oamaru. Dessert wine. Astor.  Summer 2015. That random soto stall on Prawirotaman. White lilies. Paua shells. Pohon toge jokes. Pounamu. Queen’s wharf fireworks. Lunar eclipse. Eggs preserved with salt. Snowglobes. The warteg business plan. The courtyard with four trees. Almond croissant of Victoria Precinct. Blue cod fish and chips. Butter chicken. Vanilla ice cream. That specific brand of ice cream.

That old woman, at your hometown, telling me, "Don't worry, if you're meant to be, you will be".

The Cliché

I was always such a cliché: I always fall for my best friend.

My first love was my childhood friend, expectedly. He has dark hair and his eyes were as brown and round as bush baby's. He used to walk me to and fro the playground, sometimes after eating a Popsicle. Once, he grabbed my hand that we walked to home hand in hand, ten sticky fingers and melted Popsicle. That was one of my fondest memories.

My last love... was you, I think.You were always there, almost all day and night. Back in college, our dorm buildings were just 50 meters apart so we did almost everything together from the first day of orientation. But no, of course back then I did not, yet, realize that I actually saw you as more than just my breakfast-lunch-and-dinner buddy.

Fast forward to graduation and our first job, you got a job at the university while I got an offer from my dream job in another city. We were about 500 kilometers apart but yet we were still talking, updating each other's life every Saturday night. Sometimes you even came visit, especially when it was summer break at university that you can take some time away from your research. Vice versa, I would stop by our alma mater whenever I visited my parents who lived a couple hours away. Most of the times, you even came to visit them as well, either with me or on your own. You were like the son they never had.

Then, your project at the university was completed and you got another research opportunity offer at the same city where I lived. You moved and basically it was college all over again. It was another series of breakfast-lunch-and-dinner all over again. Neither of us mind, though.

Neither of us find that our coexistence means something else, something more.

At least until last night.

Well, they said people are at their most beautiful self when they talk about something they really love. They would have that certain passion, desire in their eyes.

I just saw it last night. I still cannot get over the way your eyes sparkled when you told me about her.

A change in plan

So I decided to write more on this space. Which means, I may not only writing so-called "fictional" stories. Which means, I should stop acting like all the writing is fictional.

News flash: some of them are not so fictional! (which I realized, is not so news flash-y for some people)

Where to begin...

While I was never the ambitious type of person since middle school, I always try to do my best in everything. And I love to plan stuffs! My bad habit is: when life went a bit astray, sometimes I got into this overthinking, overreacting mode. So, naturally, when I finished my thesis this February and had to go home on March, I planned to get a job as soon as possible.

...as if life was that easy! For a remah-remah peyek like me, who's crazy enough to take a cross-discipline postgraduate degree, a job does not acquired in a cinch. It was a bit frustrating, especially the times when I heard that I'm not environmental enough for this job but I'm not economics enough for that. A bit of loose thread, I was (and maybe still am).

To cut the long (and whiny) story short, after five months I finally secured a job offer. It requires me to relocate to another city, but hey, new adventure! Even the start date works out rather perfectly: it is the week after my graduation. Which means, I could have my graduation trip before I start "the real life" of working full-time.

The point of all these ramblings is: sometimes, you want your life to start as soon as possible. As in now. You plan it to happen now, so you do everything within your capability to make it so.

But life does not work that way. Maybe you've done all you can to do so, you've given all your best, but life will happen on the best time. Isn't God the best planner, after all?

So, yea, I need to shut my whiny snout, enjoy any change of plans, and just get on with life.

She Said, He Said

She said, she cannot love. Not again. Not after the last time she did became the worst disaster she ever had in her life, so far.

He said, it does not matter. He had all the love in the world to share, more than enough for both of them.

She said, it was tiring. It was highly improbable to succeed. It was an unnecessary wait.

He said, what if the wait will be the best thing ever happen to both of them?

What if, the result is their happily ever after?

Tiny Beautiful Things – Cheryl Strayed

This is taken from Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things last chapter (or letter?) with the same title. I really really like the answer she gave to the question, and considering I'm a twentysomething, this is super relevant. I also think that it's still relevant for other age group; age is just a number after all.

What would you tell your twentysomething self if you could talk to her now?

Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.

In the middle of the night in the middle of your twenties when your best woman friend crawls naked into your bed, straddles you, and says, You should run away from me before I devour you, believe her.

You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.

When that really sweet but fucked-up gay couple invites you over to their cool apartment to do Ecstasy with them, say no.

There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.

One evening you will be rolling around on the wooden floor of your apartment with a man who will tell you he doesn’t have a condom. You will smile in this spunky way that you think is hot and tell him to fuck you anyway. This will be a mistake for which you alone will pay.

Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don’t know what it is yet.

You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.

Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize that there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin, you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.

Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.

When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.

The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.

One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her sceptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possible even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life.

Say thank you.

Home

What is worse

Not knowing where home is

Or knowing where it is but cannot go back?

Secret

She is the kind of girl who like to work behind the screen.

She is the kind of girl who does everything discreetly.

Well.

Should I say, most everything?

----

"I can't do this anymore, you know," she says after my explanation.

"But you shy away from much compliment, from acknowledgement. You like to keep secret. You like to be secret," I replies rightaway.

She smiles to me before replying. The way her hazel eyes twinkles, it makes me feel special just by being looked at.

"You know what? When you have something so special, so precious that you are endlessly grateful for, you should really want everyone in the whole wide world to see. That's what I feel about you."

Wicked

"Because, I was trying to save you... from me."

"I know it's such an arrogant word to say, to save someone. I can barely save myself. But really, I just want you to be happy. And I know you won't get it from me."

"I'm wicked. I know the right things to say, or do. And I tend to exploit it. I know how to make people feel special. I know how to make things happen like fate. I know how to manipulate things to make it so. Sometimes I even manipulate people."


"Really. I'm not a saviour, not a guardian angel. I'm wicked. You're much better off without me."

Dark side of the Moon

She's your dark side of the moon, isn't she?
Invisible during your time of glory
Hidden by the glorious showering light

She's your dark side of the moon, isn't she?
When the dark time comes, you'd realize that she's there
Outlined by the tiny ray of light that's left

She's your dark side of the moon, isn't she?
She's there
She's always there
But you don't always see her

In the End

She smiled in a way that no one else can do.

"To be honest, really, I know I'm such a pain in the ass. I know I annoyed you so much that you keep wondering whether this," she smirked and waved her hand airily to the space between us, "is a good idea. Hell, I also wonder about that too. Do you really think I am hopelessly in love with you? Don't you ever think that you also annoy me? A lot, if I may add."

I stared at her. Her bluntness never fails to shock me.

"But the thing is," her smirk faded a bit, "I know that I will always stay for you. No matter how much you annoy me, no matter how much you hurt me."

I still stared at her, words were lost for me.

"The thing is, I will always wait for you, no matter how bad the circumstances. No matter how bad we've fallen apart. No matter how many other choices you have."

I tried to answer, but she grabbed my hand and smiled earnestly.

"And really, if in the end you don't want to choose me, it's okay. It really is alright not to choose me," she let go of my hand and pecked my cheek before stood up, "but don't leave me hanging. It hurts."

With that, she went. 

Paradox

You keep feeling lonely but you don't want me to stay.

I'm a broken toy but I keep trying to fix you.

Anchor

I took another look at the crowded terminal. Typical holiday hustle bustle. The screen had not showed my flight number yet, so I guessed I still need to wait for a couple of minutes for my luggage.

I turned on my phone, scrolling down to the last message he sent me.

Would you be my anchor?
Be the one who tie me to the shore
Not the one  who let me drown
Tie me to the place I call home
 
I did not reply, back then, six months ago. I did not know what to say in my reply, I did not know what he expects from me. More than anything, I did not want to let him down.

We had our ups and downs. Many times, perhaps hundreds if not thousands. In the end, we decided to still be friends. We were one of those cliches: can't live with each other, can't live without each other.

He said I annoy him a lot, I said I just show him the real me from the start.

I said he keeps me hanging, he said I expect way too much from him.

He said he cannot promise me anything, I said I will always be there for him anyway.

Then he sent me that last message, along with a date and time when he will go back home. For good. And try to set things out. He and I, among others.

It was terrifying to trust someone with all you have. Especially when all you have is them.

No promises, no commitment. Just friendship.

People cheat when they are in relationship, even married. How do you know they will not cheat on you when you are just friends? How can you be sure they will not lead you on and push you to the cliff? You did not have anything to promise one another. A scary thing, friendship. People trying to keep others around without any commitment or promises being made, only by trusting them not to leave you.

I took another glance to the screen, it showed my flight number. I got closer to the crowd as the luggage started to go round.

So, two months ago, I decided to take the risk. To take the leap of faith. I booked a ticket home, as close as I can get to the time he indicated in his message. I knew he usually stop by at the terminal's coffee shop before heading home, so I still got plenty of time to catch him.

Why?

Why did I decide so?

I got my luggage already and paced myself to the coffee shop.

Because by then, by the time I booked my ticket, I realized that he was, no, is my anchor. He always is. No matter how hard things get between us, we always find way to each other. And by then, I realized that I need an anchor. I might not be home for good, yet. But I realized that if he really is my anchor, I did not need any promises.

Because I knew he will always be there, to tie me to home where we belong.

And I knew I'm right when I saw his eyes lit up as I entered the coffee shop.

Leave Message after the Beep

...

"I wanted to, you know," she smiled weakly. "I wanted to wait for you. I wanted to because I knew I need to. I need to see where we will end up, where our path will finally meet a dead end. Will the dead end be a boring brick wall, will it be a small, tiny wooden gate covered with ivy and wild roses leading to another unpacked mystery. It's terrifying alright, but I wanted to. I wanted to wait and I wanted to do it for you. I wanted to do it with you."

She looked to the right. The fiberglass window showed her smile, which did not reach her eyes.

"And I know that if I want to wait, I have to have no expectation. Otherwise, it's not waiting. It's denying the truth while living the lie I want to be true. But then, you're not there. I mean, yeah, you're there some time before you go and make me questioning whether I should still wait. You go and make me wonder if I'm just making a fool of myself. It's tiring. It's tiring and I think...," her voice quivered a bit, "I think I'm done."

She hung up.

But she knew those words cannot even convince herself.

Constellation of the Clichés

You know how people say if something is too good to be true then maybe it is?

Falling for the sound of your smile and the twinkles in your eyes over and over again.

Dancing under the fairy lights in the middle of the night.

Holding hands at the top of the hill on windy night.

Embracing under the rain while waiting for the pedestrian green lights.

Stolen kisses during night walks along the harbor.

Passing by your lecture room on particular time just because I know your class will be dismissed.

Breakfast in bed after you spent the night crying.

Cuddles. Lots of cuddles, anywhere, anytime.


I know we are such a cliché. We are constellation of the clichés.

You would not mind if I add another one cliché, would you?

So I smile, put the rose near your headstone, and wish with all my might that you did realize how much I am in love with you.