How does it feel to be loved that way?

That fast yet so secure

That easy yet so warming

That sweet yet not overwhelming

What do I have to do to be loved that way?

What did I do wrong that I can’t be loved that way?

What did I do to you not to deserve to be loved that way?

Would you?

I remember the way you remembered that one specific girl you used to date. You told me you lost a good friend back then, just because you force yourself into a relationship you were not sure with. That girl was absolutely head over heels for you, I knew it. I knew that's how most girls react to you. 

Would you know, though? Maybe not, you are too aloof to pay attention.

No, I know you'd say, you are attentive and caring and warm person. Yeah, honey, you are. You really are, towards that one you have romantic feeling to.

But friends? Nope, they are expendable, interchangeable, replaceable for you.

I wonder the way you talk about me these days. Especially to her, that one girl who is the constant reminder of how I will never be good enough to get what I want.

Would you say that you lost a good friend?

Would you say that you miss the way we talk, the time we spend doing whatever, the normal friendship we used to have?

I kind of know the answer, but still, I'd like to hear it from you.

Would you say you wish we didn't cross the line?

Would you say you wish you reacted differently back then, in the morning after?

Would you do it all over again, without telling me how you met her over our morning coffee?

Would you?

30 Things I Learned before I Turned 30

1. Self love is the key. You don't need approval or recognition from others  to be happy.

2. With #1 being said, you can project any image you want to the world but people will still have their own perception of you. No matter what you do, most likely they'd stick with their own opinion. You can care about what people think about you, but remember this so you'll remember that you do not need to care so much.

3. You are enough. You are always good enough. You will always be enough for things and people who matter. You don't always need to achieve something to be considered good enough.

4. Sometimes, we are the toxic person in other people’s story. Quit playing victim. Sometimes, you are doing the same "bad" thing. And no, honey, the world doesn’t revolve around you. It’s not always about you.

5. You can't make people do what you want them to do. They have their own interest, which is not always aligned with yours and cannot be forced to align with yours either.

6. Don't ever put anyone on the pedestal. Everyone you know are human-beings. They are bound to be imperfect. Most likely, they will disappoint you at one point of your life.

7. If you have to fight for something in your life, make sure you are not fighting by yourself. May it be a relationship, office policy, or, you know, climate change and world peace, having allies makes a huge difference.

8. When you're angry and you have this huge, emotional urge to confront the person causing you the pain, take a deep breath, drink a glass of water, and wait for two or three days. If by then you still want to confront them, go ahead.

9. Get yourself a hobby (or two or three) that you can get into until your old age. It will save you, and your loved ones, in the future.

10. People do have pattern in their behaviour. If they did it once, most likely they will do it again sooner or later.

11. There is never a good time for a bad news. However, if you say it sooner, people will have more time to heal. And sometimes, that is the best you can do.

12. Interacting with and taking care of your aging parents require another level of patience. Including being patient with yourself. Take all the time you need to adjust, take all the time you need for yourself. It's okay, it doesn't mean you're a bad person if you feel that it's hard. You are (most likely) doing your best, anyway.

13. Some barriers are meant to be there. If you cannot destroy it, it is okay. It doesn't mean you're not good enough. Maybe you're just meant to fit better in another place.

14. Just because you were being irresponsible and made mistake once or twice, does not mean that you are a bad person. You may make a bad choice, but it does not instantly erase all the good in you. You are, after all, only a human.

15. It's okay to have boundaries with people you care about, especially when you tend to care too much and they don't really reciprocate. As they said in the flight safety video: secure your own mask first before assisting others.

16. Learn how to enjoy your own company. It will save yourself lots of energy, time, and even money.

17. While you can (or maybe should) not really pay too much attention to what other said about you, what you have to keep in mind is you still need to take responsibility of your action. Yes, people might be talking about the wrong thing, but you might be the one who started it. Reflect before you react.

18. You can chase for anything, for anyone you like. The catch is: they might not meet you halfway. Unless you're totally, honestly okay with that fact, don't ever chase anything or anyone.

19. Newsflash: everyone is replaceable. The good thing is, it means that person you’ve broke your heart for? Yes, they’re replaceable. You’ll meet someone else, don’t worry. The bad thing? Well, you ARE also replaceable. No, you are not that special. With that in mind, you can reduce your ego a tad bit.

20. Pick your poison. It works in greening your lifestyle, it works in settling your life down. You may not be able to cut down all the bad things related to your lifestyle, but you can reduce.

21. Being able to differ self-love and selfish is important. Re-consider if it's still self-love if your action hurts people closest to you.

22. Going to therapy is a healthy habit and most people should really consider it, if they have the budget. IT IS MONEY WELL-SPENT.

23. You don't have to make a family out of everything. Most likely, you SHOULD NOT make a family out of everything. Attachment and drama are not really the best combo.

24. The worst person to lie to is yourself.

25. You cannot fight every battle, choose wisely. Don't fight the battle you knew you'd lose from the start.

26. You don't have to fix anyone. In most, if not all, case, you should not even try to. It's their job, not yours.

27. At one point, you need to stop blaming people for every misfortune you have in your life. When you reflect, you'd realize that sometimes it is your own, conscious act that cause the misfortune. Deal with it.

28. Even when you really want to give out a 10, it's still okay to give 7. It's still good enough and much better than giving out nothing at all.

29. Sometimes it helps to focus on the good side of people.

30. Overthinking kills your happiness. Take a deep breath and let go, you're doing your best anyway. Live in the now.

November is for the heartbreak. 

December is for the river of tears. 

January is for the pseudo new beginning. 

February is for the temporary pain relief. 

March is for the wake up call. 

April is for the new distraction.

May is for the answer to the conundrum. 

June is for the adapting phase. 

July is for the rehabilitation. 

August is for the time spent together. 

September is for the silly mistakes.

October is for the parting of ways.

The In-Betweens

I am always your in-between, am I not?

It was two years ago. You’ve been having problems with her, the usual. I was visiting your town. We met and things sort of went back to the way they were the year before. When you used to take me to a nighttime stroll along the harbour, when we once met an old man who said we made such a cute couple.

Even though we were not. We never were. 

But then, after I thought things were going right between us, she was back in the picture. Naturally, you went back to her. Travel a couple countries together, then you were back with her, stronger than ever.

Then last year. I had a problem with him when you visited my town. You were not with her anymore, sort of. We met and instantly hit it off again.  Like the year before. 

That was just what we do, become each other’s instant relief.

We became too reliance to each other throughout the months. We made each other happy, true, but that was our other thing.

We always work out so great. Until one time, until our expired date. Until you find another happiness or face a problem. Sure enough, I took a wrong step and things went south.

But now I realize. I am always your in-between, am I not? No matter how much I try, how much we want it to happen, we are never meant to be permanent.

The Living List of Things

Apple pie in brown bag. Sufjan Stevens. Jokes (but not really) about being stuck on each other. Midori. I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons. Napier beachfront. Mort from Madagascar. Polaroids. Red uniqlo jackets. That specific origin cacao nibs. Lamb kecap. Jogja on motorbike. Cacti. That planetarium we never get to visit together. Random walks to the ice cream store. Milktea sharing, mostly jasmine. Aotea square. Marie regal biscuits. The smell of incense. Anything French. December. Blueberry cheesecake. Dimsum for dinner. Jenga and monopoly nights. Talking with your brothers. Going to traditional market with your mom, hands being held. Blue penguins of Oamaru. Dessert wine. Astor.  Summer 2015. That random soto stall on Prawirotaman. White lilies. Paua shells. Pohon toge jokes. Pounamu. Queen’s wharf fireworks. Lunar eclipse. Eggs preserved with salt. Snowglobes. The warteg business plan. The courtyard with four trees. Almond croissant of Victoria Precinct. Blue cod fish and chips. Butter chicken. Vanilla ice cream. That specific brand of ice cream.

That old woman, at your hometown, telling me, "Don't worry, if you're meant to be, you will be".

The Cliché

I was always such a cliché: I always fall for my best friend.

My first love was my childhood friend, expectedly. He has dark hair and his eyes were as brown and round as bush baby's. He used to walk me to and fro the playground, sometimes after eating a Popsicle. Once, he grabbed my hand that we walked to home hand in hand, ten sticky fingers and melted Popsicle. That was one of my fondest memories.

My last love... was you, I think.You were always there, almost all day and night. Back in college, our dorm buildings were just 50 meters apart so we did almost everything together from the first day of orientation. But no, of course back then I did not, yet, realize that I actually saw you as more than just my breakfast-lunch-and-dinner buddy.

Fast forward to graduation and our first job, you got a job at the university while I got an offer from my dream job in another city. We were about 500 kilometers apart but yet we were still talking, updating each other's life every Saturday night. Sometimes you even came visit, especially when it was summer break at university that you can take some time away from your research. Vice versa, I would stop by our alma mater whenever I visited my parents who lived a couple hours away. Most of the times, you even came to visit them as well, either with me or on your own. You were like the son they never had.

Then, your project at the university was completed and you got another research opportunity offer at the same city where I lived. You moved and basically it was college all over again. It was another series of breakfast-lunch-and-dinner all over again. Neither of us mind, though.

Neither of us find that our coexistence means something else, something more.

At least until last night.

Well, they said people are at their most beautiful self when they talk about something they really love. They would have that certain passion, desire in their eyes.

I just saw it last night. I still cannot get over the way your eyes sparkled when you told me about her.